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Helping Toddlers and Preschool
Children Cope with Grief
By
David A. Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP
Grief and
loss has to be faced in everyone’s life. It is almost always painful,
but it is a natural process, as much a part of the life cycle as birth.
It may be indescribably painful, but it need not be traumatic. When
young children, ages 3-7, are faced with the death of someone important
to them, it can be very trying for parents to help them, partly because
the parents may be overwhelmed with their own grief, but also because
they may not know how to approach the issue with such a young child. Yet
we know from research and clinical experience that children as young as
three can do considerable, healthy grief work when given the proper
encouragement, facilitation, and modeling from parents. It is not
necessary to automatically assume the child needs to see a child
therapist, although if the parents’ own grief prevents them from being
able to talk to their child, then I would recommend a consultation with
a qualified, licensed mental health profession who is trained to work
with children. If children are taught early on that death is a natural
expected part of life and although it is very sad, exceedingly painful,
it can be survived and add deeper meaning and purpose to life,
especially if it is faced by the family with a sense of mutual support
for one another and togetherness. The child may learn that when painful
events occur the family pulls together, helps one another and together
they can face anything.
As a
clinical psychologist who specializes in working with children in grief,
I have come to appreciate the many feelings that arise in even quite
young children as they grapple with the mysteries of death. Children
lack sufficient psychological resources to embrace grief in the intense
and prolonged manner typical of adult grief that we typically refer to
as mourning. Nevertheless, they are capable of grief work. The research
has shown that facilitation of grieving in the young child can prevent
significant mental health problems later in life including depression
and relationship/intimacy problems.
Often the
grief of young children is ignored by well-meaning adults because they
delude themselves into believing that their child is “too young to
understand.” Yet any play therapist knows that 3 and 4 year-old
children are grappling in their symbolic play with issues of loss,
separation, abandonment, and death. So adults are really not in the
position of protecting children from having to confront these mysteries,
the children are already wrestling with these often frightening and
disturbing early conceptions of loss and death. So are only real choice
is whether we allow them to struggle alone with these issues or do we
open up the communication with them and let them know they do not have
to face these difficult issues all alone.
When
toddlers ask questions about death, they should be given simple and
direct explanations. Parents should capitalize on the natural curiosity
of young children to teach toddlers about death. The earlier and more
naturally the concept of death is taught the more likely children with
develop a healthy and fuller appreciation of life. They will often have
questions about dead insects and birds, and especially when a family pet
dies. They can be helped to understand that everyone living eventually
dies, usually after a long and full life. When toddlers are told of a
death of a pet or family member they will need both verbal reassurance
that they will be taken care of and nonverbal support in the form of
holding, hugs, and the physical presence of caring adults. Older
preschool children are capable of more verbal exchange regarding death
than toddlers and usually have more questions. They will require more
detailed answers, which should be given directly and honestly to the
best of the parents' ability. It is perfectly okay to say that you don’t
know the answer to a question since adults don’t understand all the
mysteries of death either.
The
preschool child may suffer undue guilt because it is the age when children
believe they magically causes all kinds of things to happen both good
and bad. It is important to reassure the preschool child that “bad
thoughts” or “angry words” don’t cause people to die. Children often
play out their worries, fears, and conflicts about death and this should
not be a cause for concern unless the child is “stuck” in repetitive
play of death-related scenes that don’t seem to relieve the child’s
anxiety. In that instance, a consultation with a mental health
professional specializing in work with children is recommended.
Copyright © 2006 by David A.
Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP. All rights reserved.
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